July 21, 2005
Finally Feels Like SummerThe sun's going down over the stage as the current iteration of the Lovin' Spoonful leap into another song on a stage set smack dab in the middle of the Empire State Plaza; I pause for a moment from the steps of the seating crawling down from one of the middle floors of the marble library building, glance at the rows of green treens lining either side of the park, catch a glimpse of the egg peeking out from the edge of the Corning Tower, three others on my right. It is a warm night without any of the humidity. The crowds spans out in every direction, their murmer filling the air with a persistent but unintrusive feeling of life. I look to my left at my friend one small step up who meets my eyes and smiles. The band lacks their front man, and yet they are positively rocking. Jerry Yester, decked out in tie-dye sunshine, has absolutely nailed the vocals on "Darling Be Home Soon." I realize that it is perhaps my first and best summer moment of 2005.
posted by Adam at 01:18 |
July 18, 2005
Solitary versus SolidaritySometimes, when one has driven themselves too far into the shadows, they forget how important it is - and how easy it is - to step back into the light. As the new Harry Potter book approached, I made all sorts of plans to cloister myself away, to seperate myself and get lost in the escapism of a fantasy tale.
Problems arose immediately. The book was not nearly long enough to last the weekend, un-interrupted, leaving me with broad stretches of time when my own self-control meant that I was cloistered without much to do in the meantime, having blocked myself from internet and news TV so as to avoid spoilers. And then when I finished the book, I discovered that it was not nearly the fantastic escapism that I'd desired; indeed, it rung just a little bit too true for my state of mind. And so I was left with a lonely tale in company with a lonelier state of mind. I remembered what it was like at RIT, remembering again the feeling of being fundimentally seperate and alone from the world, this time not geographically but merely psychologically.
And so I went through my day today, cursing myself for having gotten so entangled by a piece of fiction (not yet placing the underlying source of my anxiety) and going through the motions of normal living. I started to settle into an old, unhealthy pattern. Going for a drive, going out to Park Playhouse; while I was in the moment I forgot my misery and so sought out a constant stream of distractions. It is a coping mechanism that has worked in the past, indeed for too much of my life. Always once the distractions were over, that familiar and paralysing anxiety was waiting. Knowing by this point that it was based on my fear of being alone, I reached out, tentatively, to the people who were available to me. Somewhat surprisingly to my downbeat state of mind, they did not fail me. In one I found an ear that did not judge and didn't make light of the issues I brought to bear. In the other, I found many of my own fears and insecurities reflected back to me, and knowing that they were not unique to myself, made facing them seem like a more feasible task. And so now I adjorn to bed, not having come up with a solution to my problem, but atleast not gasping under the weight of it. So it is, that I am reminded of those two simple yet powerful words: "Only connect."
posted by Adam at 02:28 |
July 15, 2005
Striving for a Little Bit MoreThe other night I was at the local Borders watching my friend's band play at an open-mic. Watching each group, I found it endlessly fascinating to watch how each in turn dealt with facing a crowd - and their own imperfection. No one there was exactly ready for primetime, but some were tantalizingly close, and watching their expressions showed the degree to which they wanted it. From two old folk singers who have come to peace with their inability to proceed further to the girl who gets up - apologizes for being there and wasting people's time - and then performs one of most engaging and unique performances of the night, there's something tragically and beautifully human about the whole affair which is so true, and occasionally so uplifting.
The drummer of my friend's band was forbidden from playing lest she disturb the reading group across the way. Their sets were cut by a song each. Then, at the end of the night: inspiration. The got to perform the final encore, playing each cut song and wrapping it up with my favorite song written by my friend - with a band so overjoyed to get to rock out that they pulled off a minor greatness.
It's this kind of thing that gives me hope in an ocean of ignorance. Car trips into the wilderness with old friends for the sheer joy of getting lost. Having a chief justice stand firmly behind the integrity of his job amid almost eager rumors of his resignation and an ungoing battle with thyroid cancer. Little moments like these give me hope; little glimpses of the other side of the coin from the ugly one we far too often expose to the world.
posted by Adam at 14:10 |
July 11, 2005
The MessMy shelves are cluttered;
cleaning makes the good fade away.
I sit here, in the dark alone,
pondering how long I'll remember
where here even is.
The past shutters itself;
a storm blows through
and memories swirl and crumple.
The storm passes on
and only debris remains.
I am lost within myself;
silently screaming all the while.
posted by Adam at 01:00 |
July 09, 2005
Hope Amidst TerrorismIt never fails to strike me how the less time the president's spin doctors have to cloak his words in ideology and empty catch phrases, the more powerful and true his words become. At the G8 summit, reporters caught Bush and in the middle of his reply came one of the most powerful statements of his presidency:"You've got people here who are working to alleviate poverty and to help rid the world of the pandemic of Aids. They're working on ways to have a clean environment and on the other hand you have people killing innocent people.The contrast couldn't be clearer between the intentions and the hearts of those of us who care deeply about human rights and human liberty and those who kill." To me, the issue couldn't be made more clear.
posted by Adam at 01:40 |
July 02, 2005
The World Quietly ChangesI sit here having just listened to Def Leppard rock out to "Pour Some Sugar on Me" live from Philly. Earlier I heard Pink Floyd play as their classic line-up for the first time in twenty years. Before that, I heard U2 and Paul McCartney team up for a live rendition of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Madonna sung "Like A Prayer" with a young woman who had been a child with "10 minutes to live" back in '85. Throughout, except for commercials and MTV's atrocious coverage not inclusive, there was no comercialization, no Pepsi banners or the like. It is one of the few events I've ever seen on TV so stripped down to it's roots. And cumulatively, today featured one of the great line-ups of all time. China may be trying to buy our country out from under us as I type, the dark side of these quiet changes, but for now, I'm going to end it so I can say that I posted on the same day that Pink Floyd reunited and helped unite a cause.
posted by Adam at 23:42 |
Time and Perception.It's amazing how time manages to change everything. Tonight I had reconnected with three people I'd lost touch with, and the results said alot about exactly where I am in life.
Having a near-miss with the first as I was leaving work today, I popped online and had what ended up being one of the best conversations I'd ever had with her. There was real give-and-take, and the fascination that comes with a person still very much open to evolving; the person I spoke to today is not the person I had spoken to before, and dealing with a life in transit like that means that when you force the person to reach a little bit, they're still willing to make the effort. Especially now that I'm realizing that I reach less and less, it's very satisfying coming in contact with someone for whom the possibilities remain virtually limitless.
The other two were the reverse side of that same coin; they had remained virtually stationary, and so the only difference is how the person reacting has changed. As it turns out, that person has changed quite a bit. With Ryan, you take what you get, and the level with which we communicate weren't altered because the give-and-take was still well within the realm of what I could accept and provide. Hang out, have fun with a movie, same story as high school, operating within the same perimeters.
Kate, by contast, has the same allure she's always had; my own experiences have just served to make that allure ineffective with me. Before, she represented the unknown, all hints and no show, full of whispers about forbidden things, but no real peeks. It fascinated me. Now these different eyes see clearly and pierce the veil of mystery to find a sad and lonely person working so desperately to maintain the illusion that it goes from sexy to tragic. She has experienced a little bit of everything, but I don't know if she's ever truly experienced reciprocated love, even of the platonic sort. Instead of buying into the game, I played along so as to save her self-esteem one further blow.
It is such a hard world to judge, when the subjects are volatile and the measuring stick is forever in flux.
posted by Adam at 02:19 |
July 01, 2005
The Twitters of Night OwlsIt's funny how things work out; I was just on my way out the door from Darren's house tonight, after an evening that I actually coerced him into, so desperately did I want to put off sinking back into the apartment quagmire, when his mother came down and started chatting too. The conversation that resulted lasted well into the night, well over a half an hour past midnight, about everything from her graduate school to our living situations last year and this upcoming year, just a wonderful, real, and totally open give-and-take. It was the kind of thing that can only happen under the veil of night, and turned my attitude from weary acceptance to something approaching outright confidence. It was a good reminder, as is sometimes required, of all the good things I have to look forward to this year.
posted by Adam at 00:55 |
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Adam Freelance Film Critic
Albany, NY
Boston, MA
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