June 27, 2005
Ignorance is a Tidal WaveI can feel the forces of ignorance marshalling more potently every day. It comes from pool attendants more concerned with ridding themselves of customers to actually worry about giving them the right information. It comes from customers more concerned with getting through the ID Room As Soon As Possible than with reading the clearly marked signs posted everywhere so as to actually come in prepared. It comes from fans so enamored with their chosen devotion that they willfully blind themselves to the cracks in the facade. It comes from conservatives that think that banning gay marriage is more important than issues that will actually affect them and the ones they love. It comes from liberals who are so focused on their hatred for Bush that they will right into the local newspaper that the flags along main street are in poor taste, while throwing in a multitude of barbs that show exactly how misinformed they really are. Against the scope of forces, the voice of thought and reason seems more and more like a feeble cry in the dark, even when delivered with all the grace and skill of Lincoln on the battlefield after Gettysburg. People let Fox News, the New York Times, or MTV do their talking for them, sources that become more riddiculous and dangerously effective with each passing day. We live in an era where Burt Reynolds teases a reporter for interviewing him in a ratty T-shirt and no background knowledge about the movie he's promoting, and people side with the reporter. We live in an era where people who vote are more concerned with the parties on ballot than the names above them. We live in an era where parents are never home, and yet it's the video games who are blamed for bad parenting. We live in an era where an era where a lunch aide blows her whistle at a misbehaving kid, and she's the one who gets punished for harming the brat's precious ears. We live in an era where crimes are classified by the ethnicities of the involved parties over the nature and severity of the crime in question. We live in an era where people with lots of debt and lots of toys are rewarded with bountiful financial aid and people who scrimp and save to maintain good credit are punished for being responsible. We live in an era where racism is to be defeated by setting lower expectations for the minority populations. I grow weary of this era, and wary of the next one.
posted by Adam at 23:19 |
June 22, 2005
Drowning Light with DarknessI thought it was a stink bug; we've had problems with them in the past. Only when I crushed it with the blunt end of an out-of-use flashlight and saw the way it's blood smeared light across my bedroom floor did I realize the full measure of what I had done. It was not a stink bug; it was a firefly. Those fantastic creatures that light up the night and embue an ordinary world with just a dash of magic. One had graced its presence upon my room, not harming anything, and I crushed it, and made it's light flicker out forever. It is not the most important event of the past few days, but in its own way it is the most elementally tragic.
posted by Adam at 00:11 |
June 19, 2005
Expectations and SituationsIf I've realized anything, it's this - that it's far too easy to screw up your life, to look back and wonder exactly where you went wrong. I look around and see it everywhere, whether by poor parenting, some lifetime trama, or just the wear and tear of daily living, and see the missteps and realize after the past year that I should not be so arrogant as to believe that that will not be my fate. And yet I look at every single case and realize that if they were able to look around, probably two out of three times, they would be able to dig themselves out again. It is fair easier to lose respect than to gain it, this is true, but that matters only if the person expects to get all of their old life back, or to get it back as quickly as they have lost it. This won't be the case, every decision colors life, every moment is one you can't get back. If every problem were reversable, every life destroyed overturnable, there would be no point to living, no point to carrying on. To some extent we all have to deal with the cards we've been dealt, and the cards we've dealt ourselves. The decision then becomes whether to throw in the towel or go for broke. Take risks, make noise, and if the risks fail and the noise brings danger, ask yourself, "How can I make my situation just a little bit better?"
posted by Adam at 23:19 |
June 16, 2005
Molecules and WorldsWalking back to my car from the brightly lit Stewarts in the pouring rain, I was struck by the way we view the universe. When I am outside being rained on, I am part of the world as a whole. But as soon as I slip inside that car, I'm in a world of one, a molecule containing only the contents of the car. The sound of the radio blasted over the air conditioner being used as a defroster helps further isolate the world of the car, my headlights illuminating a world that I had moments before been a part of, now only navigating through like some abstract thing. How surreal.
I was out because I had to get milk, since I'd nearly finished off the last carton for breakfast this morning. Somehow, being "considerate" means that my mom can have a half day and not run out for milk during the dry bright day, but when I get up early and work an eight hour shift, I should be expected to dash out into the dreary night. It worked out well, however, because I wanted to return the "Rent" CDs I'd borrowed from Darren's sister Krissy. I'd have felt bad enough keeping them longer than neccessary if they were his CDs, and felt more so considering the additional degree of seperation between her and I. I also heard his side of a fight he and Alex had had which led to Darren blocking Alex from his buddy list, which seemed quite petty then and seems quite petty now, except for the fact that not being there I'm in no position to definitely judge. We're planning on doing something tomorrow, so I'll see how smooth the waters are then. In the meantime, tomorrow's a morning shift and I have some "4400" to catch up on...
posted by Adam at 22:47 |
June 09, 2005
Oh that Mr. and Mrs. SmithWhile browsing the Music Store on iTunes just now, I came across the soundtrack for the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie vehicle Mr. and Smith. The concept seemed tired to me, the first ten minutes of the original Spy Kids without the spark and stretched to feature-length. But when I hit up the sample for "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'" by the Righteous Brothers, I had to laugh. The soundtrack atleast knows the art of understatement.
posted by Adam at 14:33 |
June 08, 2005
Mo' MoneyApartments in Boston are expensive.
posted by Adam at 23:29 |
Shatter PointsI am trying to piece my life together. There are clearly some components missing, some aspect of my life that keeps me forever at arm's length from everything the human experience entails. I know sorrow, and love. But I can't really dream of having sex right now - the component of trust or courage, or whatever it is, it's just not there for me. Sometimes the desire is there, but even when the exercise is just with myself I find no willing company. The absense of that desire digs at me consistently now, and yet I find that the outlet is not even blocked; were it ever there it has been perhaps irrevocably crumpled.
I hear stories of people who have suffered such a great trama or calamity in their life, like Tim Robbins's character in Mystic River, and I sympathize with that even while realizing that that's not quite me; even if I have similar trouble expressing my internal demons, drawing my particular trama out into the open. I can atleast face them, and find myself left with - what exactly?
Last night I had a dream that I was returning home only to find that both of my parents had died within a two week span of each other - both without my knowledge. And the feeling of grief was overpowered by something which at the time was indescribable. Now I believe that I understand what that feeling was: desperation. The dream crystallized more than ever before that for all of the other people I love and admire in this world, once time steals them from my life, if I don't allow my life to move forward, I will be left with absolutely nothing to stand upon, absolutely nothing to cling to. I need somebody to love me with the same deep intensity that I would love them. Because whether it be two weeks or thirty years, time is slowly running out. The only way to hold off Death is to keep filling in the holes he leaves with ever more Life.
posted by Adam at 14:56 |
Rabble in the RumbleI'm sitting here at my keyboard at one o'clock in the morning blasting music through my headphones desperately trying to drive out the incessant mental call that all things end. Because things are good now - as close to perfect as last year was. There is some model of perfection that I strive for, and each year that I fail to achieve that model brings it farther and farther away from possibility. For I am in love, and every action I take, every cruel nudge of time towards maturity rips away a little bit of time that could be spent in communion such that two become an effortless one.
Even apart from that, last year was terrible - the worst of my life - and knowing exactly how bad this year could turn out, I dread its coming with unusual tenacity. I fear a world that is not composed of the people and things that I already love. How little this world has to replace them. How tragic, how depressing, how despicably NORMAL. My foundation is crumbling; one more fading voice in the cacophony of the human race.
posted by Adam at 01:58 |
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Adam Freelance Film Critic
Albany, NY
Boston, MA
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