Approximately Adam: Shatter Points

June 08, 2005
Shatter Points

I am trying to piece my life together. There are clearly some components missing, some aspect of my life that keeps me forever at arm's length from everything the human experience entails. I know sorrow, and love. But I can't really dream of having sex right now - the component of trust or courage, or whatever it is, it's just not there for me. Sometimes the desire is there, but even when the exercise is just with myself I find no willing company. The absense of that desire digs at me consistently now, and yet I find that the outlet is not even blocked; were it ever there it has been perhaps irrevocably crumpled.
I hear stories of people who have suffered such a great trama or calamity in their life, like Tim Robbins's character in Mystic River, and I sympathize with that even while realizing that that's not quite me; even if I have similar trouble expressing my internal demons, drawing my particular trama out into the open. I can atleast face them, and find myself left with - what exactly?
Last night I had a dream that I was returning home only to find that both of my parents had died within a two week span of each other - both without my knowledge. And the feeling of grief was overpowered by something which at the time was indescribable. Now I believe that I understand what that feeling was: desperation. The dream crystallized more than ever before that for all of the other people I love and admire in this world, once time steals them from my life, if I don't allow my life to move forward, I will be left with absolutely nothing to stand upon, absolutely nothing to cling to. I need somebody to love me with the same deep intensity that I would love them. Because whether it be two weeks or thirty years, time is slowly running out. The only way to hold off Death is to keep filling in the holes he leaves with ever more Life.

^{posted by Adam at 14:56 |}

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