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April 28, 2005
Tonight Was Good
I'll be paying for it dearly tomorrow, but after a string of bad - one might say horrible - days it was very elevating to have a night, that as far as such things go, was just perfect. I wasted 93 Tracfone minutes on Dell tech support and got zero satisfaction from it. My headphone jack broke Monday. But tonight, I slipped into the Sol reading room (from where I type) turned off the lights, and got a little piece and quiet for a change. "Scrubs" was good, and even "Smallville" had it's charms. For the first time in a long time, I didn't have to spend the totality of it worrying about who was going to walk in or how it was going to be ruined. Instead, quiet, piece, entertainment. A moment of contentment in a sea of turmoil.
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  posted by Adam at 03:42 | 0 comments

April 24, 2005
One of those nights
A few minutes ago as I was coming back from seeing The Upside of Anger, "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind came on the radio. I sang the first few lines out of habit, then stopped. As I continued on the route home, I noticed Maia was very quietly singing the lyrics to the song herself. As we came over the last couple of hills, we sang in unison, quietly... letting the atmosphere of the quiet night sweep us away. It was the capper to a perfect night. After the only mildly lackluster one before, it was a perfect reminder of how lucky I am.
I think I was getting a little worried - after however many months it's been at R.I.T. I rarely getting significantly worried anymore - because it feels like each time I go home it takes longer to readjust. Put in more simple terms, at R.I.T. I feel utterly apart from everything; even among my friends I feel like a stage act that enters on cue to entertain the assembled audience and then exits when the audience has had enough. The world is one thing, and I am a seperate other thing. Each time I've come back it has taken longer for me to lose that feeling, longer to feel like I am apart of things again. The last visit home I'm not entirely sure I got that vindication even though I planned it so as to spend time with two of my very favorite people. Perhaps that's the problem; when I plan my fun it only further seperates me from the universe that controls my fate. Tonight happened on a whim, and for the first time in along time I reached a point where I wasn't entertainer to an audience. It was two lonely people out for a night on the town in a world that seemingly had nothing to offer.
Yet a strange thing happened; somewhere between two luke-warm bowls of Chicken Noodle-O's and a rather late arrival for the early of the two possible movie choices, the loneliness went away for a while. In a list of movies that appeared to offer nothing, we found in a blah choice something that I'd long planned but long since ceased to have - a pleasant, enjoyable night at the movies. I had no expectations, no lofty plans in which to maximize my enjoyment. Like a lazy Saturday afternoon in front of the television, I just sat back and got a lost in a decent story with enjoyable characters that did nothing to change my life but everything to improve my evening. Unlike so many solitary moviegoing experience, after it was over we walked out of the theater exchanging initial comments about the movie back and forth until she headed up stairs to hit the bathroom. I did the same, primarily to blow my nose. The bathrooms are upstairs with the projection booths. The doors are closed with "No Admittance" labels on the door, but one was fairly open and I got to see the projector, full of light and whirring away. It gounded the experience in something organic that futher seperated THIS from the digital extravaganzas of RIT.
When we left, I kept the speed reasonable. I slowed down in anticipation of my turns. No great reason to - earlier there was fog so bad that I could barely see five free in front of the car and I still drove like a madman then - but for once I didn't feel the need to live up to anything. We talked for a while, and then there were periods when we didn't. For the first time in a long time, that made sense to me. It didn't isolate me to my own thoughts; I was part of whatever weight the silence carried. Like the night I first saw Garden State with Maia and Megan, I've been given a hint of how valuable life truly is - and given a glimpse of that quality that keeps me going forward even when every moment seems a struggle. There are nights like these that are like God saying that this is what His great plan is all about. There is great misery in this world, but there is also joy - especially the quiet sort.
  posted by Adam at 00:54 | 0 comments

April 22, 2005
I'm home.
And I must say it's quite bizzare. There's no question in my mind that it's better than being at RIT in any way shape or form. But considering that all of my previous visits home have been positively jam packed so that I roll in around 2 and collapse into bed, being bored at home is a rather foreign experience.
Still, there's no doubt that this is the place that's still home to me. I fit into the rhythyms here. I know my place and the surroundings never intrude themselves into my perspective. This in and of itself is the opposite of RIT - where everything intrudes itself into my perspective. Four weeks. I can do it - I can't wait to be bored at home again!
  posted by Adam at 00:45 | 0 comments

April 18, 2005
The Conference
Last night confirmed my dorm room philosophy that if the roommate's gonna be up late, I should be too. The hours between when I went to bed and when he did were a sweaty, anxiety-ridden hell.
Depsite my fears, today hasn't been nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I got up ready to go at 7:30, made it to breakfast before 8, and made it to the SAU before 8:30. I talked with a former classmate of mine who was also presenting, then had the catered juice and minor breakfast stuffs at one of the tables in the Fireside lounge. As it turned out the two gentlemen we were chatting it up with were the dean and the assistant dean of the College of Liberal Arts. The latter had a very Ian Holm feel to him, both in appearance and accent. Somewhere in between Bilbo and his Garden State character.
The presentation I was involved in got off to a late start, being the first, and the crowd was significantly smaller than I had imagined/feared. The first guy simply read his paper, but he did it well. I was nervous about the level to which I had hacked it down via a ruthless Word AutoSummarize/Manual-Edit cycle. But it worked out well; I had to keep up the pace with my reading, but afterwards Dr. Kray (the moderator) told me I finished exactly on the maximum allotment. I was followed by a female fifth-year student whose presentation was far more substantial than any one else's on the panel, with a PowerPoint presentation to match. The next kid ran significantly over and kept going even after the moderator's repeated calls to finish up. I felt bad for the last kid as a result; the people for the next panel were piling in while he's trying to present his paper (a surprisingly even-handed look at the Palestinian/Israeli issue). He never lost his cool though.
Afterwards, I met with the kid who I was talking with early and got the professor who invited me to take some photos of me all spiffed up to email to my parents. The rest of the day I've spent trying to get signatures for the mid-term grade report. Considering I got less than four hours of sleep last night, I'm feeling pretty good right now. And the dress clothes breathe like nothing.
  posted by Adam at 14:23 | 0 comments

April 17, 2005
It's hard to be depressed with shorts on
Last night was home to some rather depressing developments in regards to my present and my future. I ended up cleaning my half the room, which gave me an almost artificial sense of accomplishment. I went to bed, if not depressed, then atleast not happy. But when I woke up for the final time this morning (we won't counting the fucking car alarm from hell) the room was a gazillion degrees and even the shaded could hold back the sunlight. Remembering what my dad told me about the upcoming forecast, I broke out a pair of shorts for the first time in 2005. Walking outside at the peak of a beautiful day reminded me of walking up to Florida during my family's Disney world trips. The difference between current Rochester and normal Rochester was really that night and day. I'll be spending the vast majority of today inside doing schoolwork, but for now even that doesn't really phase me much. I'm in shorts; it's hard not to be content in shorts.
  posted by Adam at 15:36 | 0 comments

April 11, 2005
When Bats Attack
I'd spent most of the evening in the G7 lounge chatting on AIM, then finally watching tonight's "Arrested Development" - the Zach Braff episode. Halfway through, something comes flying at my head. It was a live, honest-to-God bat. I shit you not. I watched it fly around the room, hyperspeed like five times before I ran for the door. I got out and locked it into the lounge, but this presented two difficulties. 1) My laptop, ethernet cord, power supply, and headphones were still in the lounge. 2) My keys were still in the lounge. My roommate was inexplicably missing (still is) so I just stood in the hallway staring through the glass windows as the bat flew around and around, actually perching on the screen. Finally, I propped the door open with a rock that was inexplicably in there. It was a small opening, and I didn't think the bat would make it out. Several people looked at me funny as they passed. Finally though, sure enough, the bat slips out, and the hallway panics. I slip into the lounge, turn on the lights, and close the door. Grab all my stuff, including my keys, and make a run for my room. By this point, the people on the floor had lock the bat in the triple next to this room. As I type this, the R.A. is dealing with the situation, and we're waiting for Campus Safety to show up.
  posted by Adam at 02:33 | 0 comments

April 10, 2005
Those moments
I had a post along these lines all set to go Thursday night, but the browser killed. That time was coming off meeting up again with acquaintances that I thought I had lost track of. This one is about watching Friday's "Joan" - room to myself, lights off, just perfect. It's rare I get to watch TV in such an environment, and it's nothing on the scale of Thursday's moment of joy, but for now it will do.
  posted by Adam at 00:24 | 0 comments

April 05, 2005
Stand By Me
When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we'll see
No, I won't be afraid
Oh, I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand
Stand by me, so

Darling, darling, stand by me
Oh, stand by me
Oh stand, stand by me, stand by me
If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
Or the mountain
Should crumble to the sea
I won't cry, I won't cry
No, I won't shed a tear
Just as long as you stand
Stand by me, and

Darling darling stand by me
Oh, stand by me
Oh stand, stand by me, stand by me
If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
Or the mountain
Should crumble to the sea

I won't cry, I won't cry
No, I won't shed a tear
Just as long as you stand
Stand by me, and

Whenever you're in trouble
Won't you stand by me, oh stand by me...

Finally got a Pepsi cap. Best free download EVER.
  posted by Adam at 02:10 | 0 comments

April 04, 2005
A Rough Day
Today was in many ways a truly disconcerting day. The good news is that on my second try in the new room, I finally made it satisfactorily through the night. The bad news is that the two tests I blew off last week to make the move-in happen were received truly abysmal F’s: a 21/46 in Computer Science and a 23/70 in Calculus. The latter couldn’t have been helped because this teacher is just so out of left field. I’m really disappointed in the situation with the Calc grade though, because if I had had the time to just run through the study guide I would have done, if not great, atleast significantly better than I did. The low grade means I’m going to max out at an 86 for this quarter if I get a 100 on everything else; and there’s no way I’m going to get a 100 on everything else. The low grades also mean I have a shitload of meetings with various personalities over the course of this upcoming week, to see how I might contain the damage and to explore whether or not withdrawing for a grade of W might not be the best answer. If it is, I’ve just got to say how disappointing after making it through roughly half the work. In each case, the test is my only problematic grade.
On the plus side, I got a 95 on my Film Arts exam, which means I’m as of now still on track for an A. He’d strongly desire the paper in by class on Wednesday, but he’s taking them until next Monday with no lost credit. I still hope to get it done by then, but it’s probably going to entail a significant investment in my time, and with all of the meetings etc, I just don’t know if I’ll have time before the weekend. But if I’m staying in CS, the project is also due Sunday, so either way I’m going to out of time if I don’t get the paper done by Wednesday. I think I’m going to make a solid effort for it. As far as I know, I have nothing major to work on tomorrow (if I can get the test corrections done tonight) so I’ll probably just go and find a quiet place to watch the movie and take notes. The paper only has to be 3 pages double-spaced, so getting enough content shouldn’t be problem. It’s the analysis and distillation of my ideas that will be the problem, if anything.
Speaking of Film Arts, when I got out of class today at a quarter of eight it was still bright out – very disconcerting. I found that calling Grandma while the sun was still up lost a bit of the intimate feeling that the LBJ lounge in darkness provided. I was encouraged by the long new nights, which are positively fantastic in the summer. But when I just can’t wait for this school year to be over, it serves to stretch Mondays, which were formerly over in the blink of an eye, out far longer than I’d really desired.
That’s pretty much it. I tend to avoid writing entries when I’m anxious or depressed, and so have spent most of the night in this NRH lab on Google News and the like putting it off. But I knew it was something that I needed to sort through; I can feel the acid in several places in my gut. The plus side is that the depression gives me a focus that the generalized anxiety denied me. When I can get lost in a state of mind, it helps erect a barrier between my world and the rest of reality. This is especially useful when living out of a dorm, since I currently have no conscious means to do it.
  posted by Adam at 23:59 | 0 comments

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