Approximately Adam: "I feel alone"

January 22, 2008
"I feel alone"

I just typed that phrase into Google, with quotations, and got 536,000 results. I clicked on the first link, and about halfway down I came across an extraordinary quote: "I don't have anyone I can really talk to. Most people are just waiting for their chance to talk."

It made me immediately flashback to a line that struck me in Waitress, the movie I'd just finished watching with my roommate: "I was addicted to saying things and having them matter to someone." That is, I think, love. Or at least that is love to me. Not just having someone in my life who cares what I say, but having someone in my life who I truly want to listen to. I'm certainly as guilty as anyone of just waiting for my chance to talk. That said, it's usually the case that whatever the other person is saying is for their benefit, not mine. Maybe that's alright, I mean it's good to be passionate, right? But I guess I just don't feel obligated to feel enthused when the person speaking has no reason to believe I'd have the slightest interest.

I'd like to believe that any person I might fall in love with would be courteous enough to only pontificate on topics of mutual interest. But, as this blog demonstates, that would be waiting for someone several measures more courteous than I myself have proven to be.

Stopping one step short of that, then, I do believe that my love for any of these potential somebodies will make whatever they have to say worth listening to. I can only hope their love for me would sponsor the same commitment.

I think the lack of that interaction, that back and forth, is why I myself feel alone today. I can think of nobody in my life that I can unconditionally say I'm never just waiting for my turn to talk. Either I'm waiting for my turn to talk because I can barely get a word in edgewise or I'm arrogant enough to think whatever I have to say will be smarter or somehow more important. Every now and again, I meet someone surprising or someone familar says something surprising. These little sparks are enough to keep me invested in life consistently over the short-term.

But as I move forward it's hard to deny that my existence, as it is now, feels pretty devoid of substance. I've been happy enough the last year and a half now that I'm back to making the safe choices. I need to break up the monotony.

^{posted by Adam at 00:40 |}

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