Approximately Adam: Solitary versus Solidarity

July 18, 2005
Solitary versus Solidarity

Sometimes, when one has driven themselves too far into the shadows, they forget how important it is - and how easy it is - to step back into the light. As the new Harry Potter book approached, I made all sorts of plans to cloister myself away, to seperate myself and get lost in the escapism of a fantasy tale.
Problems arose immediately. The book was not nearly long enough to last the weekend, un-interrupted, leaving me with broad stretches of time when my own self-control meant that I was cloistered without much to do in the meantime, having blocked myself from internet and news TV so as to avoid spoilers. And then when I finished the book, I discovered that it was not nearly the fantastic escapism that I'd desired; indeed, it rung just a little bit too true for my state of mind. And so I was left with a lonely tale in company with a lonelier state of mind. I remembered what it was like at RIT, remembering again the feeling of being fundimentally seperate and alone from the world, this time not geographically but merely psychologically.
And so I went through my day today, cursing myself for having gotten so entangled by a piece of fiction (not yet placing the underlying source of my anxiety) and going through the motions of normal living. I started to settle into an old, unhealthy pattern. Going for a drive, going out to Park Playhouse; while I was in the moment I forgot my misery and so sought out a constant stream of distractions. It is a coping mechanism that has worked in the past, indeed for too much of my life. Always once the distractions were over, that familiar and paralysing anxiety was waiting. Knowing by this point that it was based on my fear of being alone, I reached out, tentatively, to the people who were available to me. Somewhat surprisingly to my downbeat state of mind, they did not fail me. In one I found an ear that did not judge and didn't make light of the issues I brought to bear. In the other, I found many of my own fears and insecurities reflected back to me, and knowing that they were not unique to myself, made facing them seem like a more feasible task. And so now I adjorn to bed, not having come up with a solution to my problem, but atleast not gasping under the weight of it. So it is, that I am reminded of those two simple yet powerful words: "Only connect."

^{posted by Adam at 02:28 |}

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