I have hit at least one major low and one major peak since I stopped keeping journal. During the low, I was too fucked up to write. During the peak, I was feeling too good to want to contemplate my current situation. Now, on my second day back - a Tuesday, my least favorite school day and my most favorite school night - I finally have reached a simple balance that allows me to again address this journal with perspective. I have kept the records of the emails to my father to fill in the gaps and I will post them at such a time as the personal details contained within are no longer a private concern.I am not happy here, nor really content. I am however resigned to my current situation. The panic attacks that have plagued me since last Sunday have almost entirely subsided. I am managing to survive the continuous onslaught without losing hold of my identity. I define my days by taking pleasure in small positives, picking two or so things to look forward during the school day.
Tonight was the second instant messaging session with my mother and Outing Club. My mother didn't last as long IMing as she had Sunday, but Outing Club was right up to par. The highlight of my night, however, was watching the V.P. Presidential debates from CWRU with Mike at RITchie's. After that, I got the calendar which hangs from the side of my dresser in order. I used red Sharpie for Red Brick activities, brown Sharpie for academic paper and quiz dates, blue Sharpie for mundane "to do" items, purple Sharpie for CAB events including the Thursday night movies, green Sharpie for Outing Club events, and orange Sharpie for personal dates. I also printed out all seven pages of this shit story that Darren had sent me in the largest browser text size and taped it up in the hallway outside my dorm room. It got some mixed interested.
But for now, I have a class at 9 for which I need to get up at 8. If I don't get to bed soon I'll be absolutely shot for class tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be able to keep up from here on out, but I'm not going to let it become another obligation to pull me down.
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