Approximately Adam: Day Forty-Five

September 02, 2004
Day Forty-Five

Well, I spend the vast majority of my day very happy and the vast majority of my evening horribly depressed. It's homesickness of a most terrible degree. It's also a Catch-22; I meet people and put myself "out-on-the-town" socially most when I'm happy. But I'm not happy unless I'm socially fufilled. As a result of missing the most excellent year I've had, I'm withdrawn and spend most of my time moping about in my room alone. It's a brutal cycle. Each day, however, I seem to spend less and less time depressed, so hopefully things are moving in a positive direction. I need people in my life to fufill the roles my high school friends provided for me; I need to fill something in the realm of what I did in high school. The parent/child bond cannot be replaced of course, which may make the whole process moot. I recognize the neccesity for evolution and change, but I'm not sure I can handle it yet. I hope I can handle it before it's too late. It feels so strange that it's only been five days since I woke up in my own bed and it feels strange that I'm worrying only five days in about whether it's too late to get myself to a place where I can be happy again. And all the while, my mind's eye polishes over the faults that I had living at home, polishes over the very things that made me eager to move on in the first place. This summer was damn near perfect, and I savoured every day of it. But the times before it weren't, and if I expect the rest of my life to be as easy, free, and fun as the summer after high school, I'm going to live in a state of perpetual disapointment that I'll never be able to awaken from.

The weather today was absolutely fantastic, which did alot to keep the optimism from yesterday night's bowling going strong until a very depressing dinner. I didn't think it could get any more depressing than eating every meal alone but I was wrong; eating dinner in silence while your one RA tells you how sick you're going to be of the food and the other bitches about picking the wrong major is actually much worse.

Counterpoint to this, when I ran into Mike on the way to visiting my academic advisor, I was more than content and didn't have a care in the world. The weather was perfect, the sun was shining, my attitude was finally optimistic. From the conversation with my parents after buying the microsaver lock on, however, my day just went down hill. If things don't pick up soon, I may have to stop keeping track of it. Reflecting on your own miserableness does nothing but plunge you deeper into depression and cause you to feel even more sorry for yourself than you already do. Somewhere in that last point is the key. If I could garner the strength of character and maturity to accept my problems without dwelling on the whole "woe is me" thing, I'd be much better off.

^{posted by Adam at 22:29 |}

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