Approximately Adam: Day Forty-Two

August 31, 2004
Day Forty-Two

And I didn't know where to go. Here I'd made the mistake of the lifetime, successfully fighting off an emotional release that I now realize I very much needed. My mother waved good bye, and I threw a hand back in her direction and jerked it side to side, looking back only through the corner of my eye. I let them go without a second glance and now I find that I need that second glance. I plan on calling them around five or five thirty just to talk things through that I couldn't handle at the time. But then I took the walk to clear my head that I'd made them promise to give me, and find myself alone surrounded by families and their kids. I get back to my room to find my roommate and his family. In the end I sat on a toilet in the floor's male bathroom and began to let places of my being harden that ought not to be hardened. Then I allowed them to boil to the surface a bit, and that nearly plunged me into an insurmountable depression. In the end I turned to words on the screen to allow me a place to vent without walling off the emotions or letting them drive me insane. The fact that I can call everyday now, if neccessary, is comforting. I doubt I actually will, but it's nice to know that the option is there. I've been forcibly isolated from my parents enough these last two days, and I need a rock-firm foundation from which to build my new college existence. Even though this is the beginning of my identity as a single person, as I said in yesterday's entry, being alone simply won't do. Building my foundation on unconditional love seems the best place to start. I don't want to waste my whole college existence wishing I was home, but at the same time I don't want to dread going back, either. Home needs to still be my home. If RIT becomes my home, I'll be homeless in five years. But if home stays home, I'll have a place to stay as long as I need to, in some form or another.

Tonight was much better. Finally I feel like I can become comfortable here. I was at the absolute end of my rope; everyone I'd run into had been kind and open and polite but I hadn't really found someone I'd consider a friend. As a last ditch effort, I got in line for tonight's screening of "Starsky & Hutch" in the SAU lobby. While waiting, I ran into a kid from high school, probably the one I'd known the best of those I know are here. Him, I, and a girl he knew through family and religion, spent roughly three hours just walking and talking. Being able to freely speak with someone was absolutely the release I needed. I'm going to bed tonight knowing that there are people here I can do things with. I also understand that there's an Outing Club, which I'm thinking about checking out. It'll be nice to do things outside with a campus and cirriculum that is very indoor-orientated. For the first time in a long time, I feel like things might just turn out okay.

^{posted by Adam at 01:55 |}

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