All of these things, from the location I'm typing from to what else I'm doing while typing, are mere distractions from what I've spent the last two days consumed with. Point blank, my emotions are all over the place. Sometimes I'm excited about college, other times I'm scared shitless. Sometimes I can't imagine leaving my family and friends, other times I feel the need broaden my horizons. Throughout it all I alternatively scorn the meaninglessness of the way I'm living and long for the maintenance of this carefree lifestyle. Whether I succeed or fail I clearly need the college experience. There are clearly parts of my life missing because of the relatively simple, carefree existence that I lead. And yet with all of the complications on my already and the multitude that are coming my way, I can only hope that things don't become to complicated. If I can find away to fit these daily journal entries into my day during college, I can only hope they can help me in putting the trends of my life into a more streamlined perspective. I can't afford to streamline things too much, however, or I will be perceiving the world through preconceived simplifications that will be of little assistance in making my life one that I view as relatively worthwhile.

Sorry for not posting a journal entry yesterday; I was coming off four hours of sleep with the prospect of another four hour sleep ahead of me. To have stayed up the extra half-hour for the journal entry would have killed me.

The details I can probably recall more vividly at this point anyway. My parents and I went up to the track for the final day at the races of the high school era of my life. Too put it modestly, I kicked ass. I cashed in on six of the nine races, and ended the day up $2.50 having bet exclusively one dollar bets. As is always the case, they called a Steward's Inquiry on the last race and it naturally affected one of my horses, so we had to stay till the end and let most of the crowd get ahead of us, much to my father's chagrin. I was rather irked to be carded twice, with one guy even comment on how "you look young." Needless to say, I didn't go back to either window. Besides the first guy to card me screwed me out of five cents because they didn't have any nickels. I found an older gentleman that I used off and on who was always polite and never questioned my age to buy the tickets, and a thirty-something woman who neither questioned my age nor failed to give me exact change. It rained around the seventh race, but overall it was a Grade A day at the track. Afterwards we went out to eat at the Outback and I got my newer favorite dish, the Toowoomba Pasta. I wanted to go to Olive Garden, but as usual they were packed. You'd think that chain would build locations that could adequately seat demands; I don't think I've ever been able to walk in and sit down there. Afterwards, Dad and I got in an argument about another of the infuriatingly vague financial aid forms. Then I surfed the web for ages, lost in my own head and overwhelmed by all the shit pounding down on me from all sides. Now I've got a handle on things, and that anxiousness has mostly subsided.

My bowel movement having long since subsided, and fears of problematic cling-ons mounting, I wiped up and set up back on good old AC power balanced out to a nice steady DC current. Today was a whole different can of apples. Muddled-up phrased to be sure, but give me a break, I'm running on empty at the moment. Work was so long and boring that my boss and I ended up having a real and actual conversation over the span of a couple hours, and all the while those dreaded blue scissors further marked and blistered the base of my thumb. To let you know the importance I place on words, I just wrote the previous sentence three times, and now the point it was building towards has been totally blown astray. Alas. Having a decent conversation about things personal if inconsequential led me to understand the depths of how much I long for true human connection. There were by no means any sparks in today's conversation, but just the glimmer of the back-and-forth made me long for real sparks with someone in the future. Even as the basic urge for passion stirs ever stronger, I gain a greater understanding that it is only in the more benign affairs of romance that I will ever find true contentment. Even as the distractions in my life grow progressively better, my ability to see through them far outpaces. The college thing, I think has exposed exactly how shallow so many of my pursuits truly are. Even when I'm doing the things I enjoy the most, there's a little voice eating away at the back of my head telling me that there are more important things for me to be expending my energies on. Take tonight for instance; throughout the gloriously low-brow Harold & Kumar go to White Castle I was engaged with the on-screen antics and was lost to a place beyond the specifics of this time and this place. But before and after, I was totally trapped in this particular short stage of "present," with the future ever looming just over my shoulder. I didn't deal with this pressure particularly well, compensating for my unease with an exceptionally vulgar vocabulary and a more dangerous set of tricks behind the wheel than usual. Even as I should be leaving a better lasting impression for the meantime, I lower myself to the expectations and the stereotype because in them I find safety and a comfort zone. Hopefully I can find away beyond this before it's too late.